Episode 11 – Fears of a new mother

Every day I wake up, I wonder if I will get over this fear.

Hello, my beautiful readers, and welcome to the 11th episode.

It’s my 11th month being a mom, I have been sharing my experience here with you, and I bet you’ll agree with me when I say it has been a crazy roller-coaster ride!

Since becoming a mom, my life has been centered around giving my child the best, making sure I’m teaching her quality values, ensuring that she’s growing well, and making decisions that would be best for her.

Most times, I look back at myself and see that I’m giving so much – which is fine and perfect – but I realize that I’m taking very little or nothing at all.

Developing myself as an individual is essential, but where is the time?

I’ve tried to create schedules and routines, but they’ve all gone out of line. I can remember how energetic I was and how passionate I used to be about my career, but lately, it feels like I have nothing but this motherhood routine. I wake up, and by the time I say Jack – it’s night already, and all I did was change diapers, so how is the day over so soon??

I mean, isn’t it 24 hours again??

Thinking about this makes me wonder how working-class mothers combine both and make it look so easy. How did my mom become a career woman and a perfect mom?

Heaven knows that one of my biggest fears is that I will eventually let go of my dreams in order to focus on being a mom.

Am I really going to lose myself in this course?

Will I even make a great mom?

Many more questions like these fill my head randomly. Every time I try to do something as simple as read a book – an activity I really enjoyed as a spinster – I get stuck on one page for weeks before I eventually give up. If hubby wasn’t helping with some chores, I would be dead meat by now.

He’s been the one pushing me and reminding me of my dreams. He always reminds me why I cannot give up, and I can’t imagine life without such a supportive partner. Sometimes, I also wonder if I will ever get my personality back. I’ve watched many senior moms transition back, but it’s never really the same.

I tried listening to a few moms share their stories, hoping I would get motivated, but it seems like the motivation has to come from within me – I need to find it all by myself. One minute, I’m energetic, and the next, I would just want to be in bed, but otherwise, I spend all my time trying to be the best mom in the world.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some perks of being a mom that I enjoy, and regardless of the trials and tribulations, I really wouldn’t have it any other way.